Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
