I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Life is so much better after having sex.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
