not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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