who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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