I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
