If that was your dad, he is hot
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
