but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
