shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
