i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
