Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
