It's Friday. Sex?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
