Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
