literally had 100 drinks last night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
