This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
