Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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