we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
