I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
