i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
