I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
