I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
