i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
