Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
