my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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