It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
