Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
