does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
