3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
