he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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