I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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