My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
