so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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