dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
