I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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