She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
