dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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