I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
