There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
