i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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