He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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