I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
