I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
