it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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