I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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