I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
