unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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