I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
