apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
