I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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