Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So vagazzling was a success
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
