Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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