so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
