I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
