Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
